Heart in Bloom

I have had this blog for many, many years. I initially created it during a time when YouTube, influencers, and content creators became more popular.

Embarrassingly, I did have a YouTube channel where I made makeup videos and trending videos. It was short-lived, but as a result, I created this blog.

Thinking back on it, I get emotional picturing my old self and all she didn’t understand, how lost she was on the inside – truly faking it till she could make it. Trying to find any ounce of dopamine to keep her going. Spoiler alert – she never made it (more on that later).

If you go back and read the first post of “Messages from the Bible” by my grandmother, you’ll see that I began to post her notes on my blog years ago. I lost inspiration for the makeup and “lifestyle” type posts soon after – it didn’t feel meaningful anymore.

Honestly, that time of my life is such a blur – it’s almost as if all I can picture is a dark cloud, and it draws up emotions of being sad. Sure, there were moments of happiness, moments of gratefulness, moments of having fun, but that’s all it was – moments. It wasn’t solid, it wasn’t steadfast, it wasn’t grounded.

I turned to drinking, partying, and a lot of people don’t know this about me – smoking (again). I couldn’t wait for the weekend to party. I ignored the sadness I felt by spending time with family or friends, laughing, and enjoying myself. I put myself in sometimes sketchy situations. I think deep down, I was chasing after anything that would make me feel better.

Sometimes you would even see me in church that Sunday praising God, repenting, but then I was back Saturday doing it all over again. In and out of church for years, claiming to love God one day and then crucifying Jesus all over again right after. Singing His praises or praying to Him when I was in need or feeling desperate, then back to living my “best life” that weekend.

Ask me back then Bible trivia, worship songs, shoot even a Bible verse – and I would probably answer you correctly.

So many years of pretending to be something I wasn’t. Why? Honestly, I believe it was several reasons – partially it’s all I knew growing up but I didn’t fully understand it.

I recall points in my life where I had a relationship with Jesus, but I didn’t want to give up “life”, I didn’t want to be a “weird Jesus freak”. My thoughts were – well, everyone has fun, they party, they drink, it’s “normal”, why wouldn’t I want to experience that for myself?

The crazy thing is, looking back, I was so worried about missing out or how people would perceive me. All it did was cause me to have one foot in the world and one foot in God. I was playing the Christian part, but I wanted to live my life doing all the “fun” things the world offered. I wanted to “have my cake and eat it too” – finally, this saying makes sense to me. It means, “You cannot enjoy two desirable but mutually exclusive things at the same time.”

I wanted all the things the world offered, but also all the benefits that God has to offer. God and the things of the world are mutually exclusive. Yes, he created the world, but the Bible also tells us that the ruler of this world is Satan. “Now is the judgment of this world; now will the ruler of this world be cast out.”  (John 12:31)

The word is clear about not serving God and the world simultaneously:

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Romans 12:2)

“So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth” (Revelation 3:16).

Throughout this time, I had many low moments of feeling hopeless. I remember crying and crying in bed, feeling so heavy. My husband would even ask me why I was so emotional, and I truly had no words to explain it.

There were times when I’d think of all the craziness in the world, all the sadness, how my life wasn’t what I expected, how there was this unbearable cycle of work, home, eat, sleep, and repeat.

I remember thinking, is this really what life is – mundane routine, this constant “breaking news” of the world falling apart, and even updates about family and friends going through sad situations? Not to mention, the things that happened to me in life and the weight it put on me. I felt so helpless.

At the time, I also wasn’t attending church regularly. If I’m being honest, I don’t think I cared much to go to church or even pray because I felt so lost. However, one Sunday I decided to visit church. I remember the Pastor calling anyone who was feeling a heavy weight to go and pray at the altar. I now know that God was calling me back because I felt something in me wanting to burst into tears.

I poured it all out to God, and nothing crazy happened visually or physically, but I felt like the weight was lifted off of me. I felt like I could breathe. I believe I was so grateful in that moment to feel relief that I tried to visit church more often.

The more I went, the clearer everything started to feel. That cloud was starting to dissipate. Then I remembered my sister mentioning a Bible Study on YouTube. So I made the decision to watch the videos.

Mind you, I grew up in church, but I cannot recall a time when I read the Bible on my own, for myself, without anyone else around or telling me to read it. I may have tried a few times when I was younger, after getting saved at 10 years old – because I do remember being on fire for God, but I wasn’t rooted in Him. I also didn’t understand much and only had access to the KJV of the Bible; which uses words like “thy”, “unto”, and “durst”.

So, I started these YouTube Bible Study videos. Before I knew it, I was learning about Jesus and what He stood for, how He lived His life, how He healed others, not just physically but spiritually. I grew a hunger for more, to attend church more, to love God and grow more.

I got baptized at the end of 2023, but what is wild is that the situations around me never changed. The world was still falling apart (still is), I was in search of a job, my husband and I couldn’t afford our house anymore, the only thing that changed was me.

Old me would have been sick from stress, overwhelmed, and crying. This new me was calm, collected, and not worried about tomorrow. If you knew the old me, I worried about EVERYTHING. One day, my husband even came to me and asked why I didn’t care about what was happening. That’s when I knew something was different. I explained to him that I do care, I deeply care, and these situations still pained me, but I wasn’t stressed or worried.

I knew what God’s word said, and this is one of the verses that helped me most at that time, “Cast all your anxiety on him because He cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:7)

I went so many years, trying to have my cake and eat it too, that I wasn’t rooted in anything. I didn’t know God’s word for myself. I never made it with the “fake it until you make it” because I was missing something. No matter how hard I tried, all the moments of success or moments of happiness would eventually go away.

Now, I read God’s word, I actively attend church, and I strive to have a personal relationship with God. To know the LORD as Lord over my life, to know Him for myself. He is the one who changed me, He is the one who opened doors of opportunity for me, He is the one who wrapped His loving arms around me when situations come up. I can go back to His word to see His heart, His promises, His steadfastness. He is the same all those years ago as He is today.

Reading His word has shown me time and time again that He loves all of us; it’s the sin He hates. The ruler of this world breeds sin and wants us to fall into it.

However, when we read His word for ourselves, when we study it, when we remember His life-giving words, we are rooted in Him.

All of this to say, I will begin a new series here on this blog as I am studying His word.

I’ll share honest, reflective, and scripture-based studies that are shaping my journey with Christ. Each post comes from time spent in the Word and how God is transforming my heart through His truth and grace.

Whether you’re reading alongside me or simply stopping by for encouragement, my prayer is that your roots grow deeper in His Word — and that your heart, too, begins to bloom.

“So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the elemental spiritual forces of this world rather than on Christ.” (Colossians 2:6-8)